Two Years

Today, two years after Caleb died, there are so many things I could possibly write about. Where the first year was a year of misery, I think this past year was one of weariness of being very tired all the time.

I'm choosing to focus on my weekly prayer for the past two years. I pray about these things every Tuesday, as all this happened on that day. I actually set this process in motion a few weeks before Caleb died, not knowing what was coming - and I see the hand of God in it. (The original post about it)

This is what is important to me...

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God, father in heaven - you are awesome, great, holy. Bring your kingdom here - connect with us, allow us to know you, see you, hear your voice.

Blessed are those who mourn - this is me, this is my family. Be with us.

God, bless Becky, Josh, Sam and Nathan. Forgive them for anything they have done wrong. Forgive them because you're a compassionate and loving God, not wanting to hold anything against us. Lighten their load if possible - take away any burdens of guilt and worry.

Thank you for Becky, her heart, her strength. She would do anything possible for our good, she is my example.

Thank you for Josh, his friendship, his honesty. He is a source of strength to me.

Thank you for Sam, her compassion, her goodness She is an encouragement to me.

Thank you for Nathan, his commitment, his insight. He brings me hope.

God, be kind and compassionate to them. Reward them for the good they have done to me and others. Reach out to them - I hope they can see you.

I hope only good comes to them. I hope their lives are filled with happiness, friendship and success.

If bad must come, I ask that it comes to me instead. I don't begin to understand how all this works, but if possible, I would take any pain and trouble from them on to myself. If that's not possible, be close to them in all they must go through.

Forgive me for all I've done wrong to them. Show me where I fail them - I hope I have the courage to change. Remind me often to be kind.

God, I miss Caleb every day. If possible, please tell him I love him, I miss him, I forgive him for all the pain, and I look forward to being with him again. Also, if possible, tell him I need his forgiveness for all I've done wrong. God, bless him - he sees you face to face.

As a family, give us the compassion and strength to reach out to those who are also in pain and loss. Make our home a place where people can come with their fear and doubt and be comforted. Make us like you.

Thank you for all the people who have been good to us, who have chosen to walk with us, not avoid our pain. I see you in them. There are too many to list here. I hope you reward them.

God, you are all powerful and all knowing, and you still chose to let death and pain enter into our family. You have also brought goodness and help. I don't understand most of this - but I have learned one thing: all this happens so that you would be known, and that we would reach out to you. To me, my family, our friends, those we have touched - make yourself known.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

Blessed are those who mourn

I see the blessings or “beatitudes” as the essence of the rest of the sermon on the mount. I think they contain the core of everything Jesus meant to teach that day. 

The first three blessings are for when we are in darkness. The second one of these is for those whose relationships are in chaos.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.


Blessed are those who have broken and damaged relationships - failed at friendships, had people close to them die, can't communicate. constantly fight, walk-out, split-up, been abandoned.

Blessed was Paul the Apostle when he walked away from his religious community to join one where he was branded as a murderer - likely rejected by everyone.

Blessed was Peter the Apostle when the man he put his faith in died on the cross and left him alone.

Blessed was David when he had a good man put to death so he could take his wife. 

Blessed was Jonah when he jumped into the sea, preferring death to doing what God asked,

Blessed was Israel, when the destroyer came and killed the first born, and they left Egypt.

Blessed was Job when Satan killed his family.

Blessed was Noah when almost everyone one he knew, his culture, his world, was destroyed in the flood.

Blessed were Adam and Eve when they experienced spiritual death and hid from God, not wanting to be seen by him.

Blessed was creation, when God pulled it apart, creating a void between the waters.

Blessed was Jesus as a baby, when the government wanted him dead, and killed all the babies his age in hopes one of them would be him.

Finally, blessed am I when filled with sadness and loss over losing one of my sons, when I have failed as a husband and dad, when I have not been a good friend.

Blessed are all of us - not because of the separation and loss, not because of whom we've destroyed, not because of what others have done to us - but in spite of it, in the midst of it.

God doesn't seem to stop the darkness, but rather comes to be with us in it, to experience it as well, to give us comfort. Others come to help us walk through it, and in a small way get the chance to become like God. 

The only way I make sense of it: He uses it to develop us into something much more than we could possibly be beforehand - not only for our own good, but for the good of all. I don't claim to understand this very well, and I think I'll spend the rest of my life here wrestling with it.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

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The Shema - Tuesday

The Shema:

Listen, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord is one. 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

These commands that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

For today: “The Lord is our God”.

Paul said to the Greeks:

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

The one who created the universe and everything in it is our God – we are his people. To repeat what I wrote yesterday, he is not distant or aloof. He says, “you belong to me, I want you to be close to me.”

King David wrote: Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Also in the Psalms, someone (author not known) wrote:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

In both these passages, I don’t see God stopping trouble from coming into my life. I will have burdens to bear, difficult things will happen in my world. I see something much larger here than immediate protection from trouble. This is about eternity. This is about having a destiny that is beyond

God, be my fortress.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

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Psalm 23 - Tuesday

I feel like I am here right now:

Even though I walk through the valley of the the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

I’m walking through a dark valley, along with my family. I guess I had always thought of this verse in terms of my own death. I wish it were that easy. I would pick that over my son’s death right now, no reservations.

It’s really easy to get scared of more evil that might come my way…

- Scared something else will happen.

- Scared my kids will not be able to deal with it in a healthy way.

- Scared this acute pain will not go away at some point – that I’ll never get back to my normal energy level.

- Scared I will forget details about Caleb as time goes on.

Any of these things may happen – but if they do, God is still with me.

God doesn't stop me from going into the horrible valley, instead he comes with me. Does he always let the bad things come? I don’t think so – there is a lot of good my world. Does he stop all the bad from coming if I sincerely ask him? Obviously not.

King David also said: I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation.

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Tuesdays | God is building a people – My relationships are broken

- Your kingdom come

- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

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The Fall - Tuesday

The second test:

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.

Jesus said in the second Beatitude: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

I think Satan is saying to her: God will not separate himself from you over this. There will be no mourning if you eat the fruit.

It's easy for me to get wrapped up the small details of stories in the Bible, maybe too much. That being said, here are two things I think are really interesting:

• Where is the tree of life in all of this? Eve say's "the tree in the middle of the garden". There are two trees. I get a picture of her being so obsessed with the one thing she can't have, that she has totally overlooked the free offer of the fruit of life. 

• Eve says "we must not touch it". I have read how this was a mistake by adding to what God said. I guess if I start amending God's instructions, there will be no end to it.

This is not a "primitive" story. This is a story every parent today tries to teach their kids as they grow up: Don't get blinded to what you have right in front of you, by what you're obsessed over. Don't make the choices that lead to pain - don't investigate evil.

This is a story that applies to my life everyday.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Revelation - Letter Two

This letter is filled with talk about death.

The second Beatitude: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted

The second letter in Revelation:

To the angel of the church in Smyrna write:

These are the words of him who is the First and the Last, who died and came to life again. I know your afflictions and your poverty—yet you are rich! I know about the slander of those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. Do not be afraid of what you are about to suffer. I tell you, the devil will put some of you in prison to test you,and you will suffer persecution for ten days. Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown.

Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. The one who is victorious will not be hurt at all by the second death.

This letter is fascinating. There are no warnings about what they need to change - only encouragement to hang in there and survive the coming pain. Only comfort, no correction.

Jesus starts out the letter by saying that he has power over death, yet he doesn't stop the pain, suffering and mortality that's to come. He lets the testing go on for the "ten days" - the needed time period. I'm guessing it's so we can see what we are really made of and grow from it.

With my daily thoughts of the loss of one of my kids, death is truly a test. It's a test of everything I believe in, my strength, my sanity. I often have to remind myself I'm going to make it. It's pure misery.

I have been and will be hurt again by the "first death". Who knows? I may have to go though all this loss and testing again in my life - I hope not. But I will not be hurt by the second death - the final death of everything here. He will give me life.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Romans 12 - Tuesday

Paul wrote:

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

The message is pretty straightforward: I need to have an honest view of myself, then I can can have an accurate view of others.

It's hard to stop thinking that others need to be more like me. I often fall into this subtle trap: I judge others on what I see, and I judge myself based on my intentions. In this skewed view, everyone comes up short.

I want to appreciate what others do for God.

I want to appreciate their differences from me.

I want to see the bigger picture of how we work as a whole, driven by God's spirit.

Jesus said: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

I want to love all the other believers in my life, as Jesus commanded.

King David wrote: How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! ...For there the Lord bestows his blessing, even life forevermore.

God, help me to a good part of the body and care for all of it.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Nature of Jesus - Tuesday

As I said yesterday, Jesus gave up his status to be with mankind for a period of time. He came to the people he created, and for the most part, they rejected him.

John wrote: The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 

Paul wrote to the Philippians: Jesus made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death even death on a cross!

Did Jesus know that people would reject him? Yes.

700 years earlier, Isaiah wrote on the same theme. This is what he predicted about God's servant who would come to us: He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

So God's kingdom came to earth in the form of a person who was misunderstood, rejected and ultimately killed.

What does this have to do with me? I'm a believer - I'm glad he came.

My relationship with God is often in chaos. I want to relate to God and be close - and I also want to get away from him and be in my own darkness.

There is part of me that wants him to go away, to leave me be. There are those moments where I don't care that he gave up everything to reach out to me, that he died for me, that he lives for me now.

As Paul wrote to the Romans: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Prayer

Prayer is a hard thing for me to define. There is not much to reading about it, hearing about it, or even thinking about it. All that really seems to matter is doing it.

As  I was talking with God last week, I had a moment of crystal clarity: It's not about getting what I want, or even what I need. It's not about seeing God work. It's not about my growth. It's about others. Intellectually I've known this for a long time, but somehow in that instant, it made it to my heart. 

Jesus said: Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

What does this cryptic statement mean? I think Paul, in his anguish, captured it: For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my people.

Would I be willing to endure an eternity without God for the sake of my wife, kids, friends? Would I make that bargain? Do I have that much love for them above myself? I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't struggling with the answers.

So all this praying is not so much about asking for things or telling God my views. It's about others and understanding how I can do good for them. It's also digging into the depths of my self-interest and ego.

God, help me to be able to say "yes" - that I would be willing to endure whatever is needed for the good of those around me.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Courage - My Wife Becky

King Solomon wrote: A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

In the midst of pain and fear, my wife Becky keeps me and our family going. She would sacrifice anything to make the load for the rest of us easier. She is the most selfless person I know. Her unwavering courage has given me strength and a few times put me to shame.

As we all mourn, she works to bring us comfort. She works to reduce the chaos in our lives and bring peace to our home. Her faith is alive - as James wrote: As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

I see that courage is not an attitude or feeling - it's hard work. Her load has been heavy, and I hope it lightens as time goes on, God willing. I will do everything I can to make it so.

God, thank you so much for Becky, her work, her faith, her courage.

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Tuesdays | My relationships are in chaos, and God wants to change them
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
- Your kingdom come

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Comfort?

I'm not the best guy at comforting others. In fact, I'm really not good at it at all. Today, I tried my best.

A guy I'm working with here in Holland was late coming in to the office today. He told me that he was with his wife in the hospital - she is going to die fairly soon from cancer.

I told him I knew something about death, but I couldn't really know what he was going through with his wife. He said he had heard what had happened to my son.

I told him it sucks, and that I was sorry.

I told him that we both had entered new worlds that are hard to navigate, and there is no way out.

I asked him if he had kids. He said he has four, all in their early twenties. I told him much of my worry was about my kids and how they are doing.

I asked him how he was handling it and how his wife was doing. He said they had come to accept what was happening and were working hard to talk about it and support each other. He said his wife was starting to write things down. I told him I was doing that as well.

He told me quite a bit about what he was going through, and he wanted to know how I was doing as well.

I had nothing upbeat or positive to offer. It didn't seem appropriate.

I did tell him he would survive. Like me, he has no choice - people depend on him. That was my big moment of encouragement.

I wonder how I did at giving him some small bit of comfort. My goal was to treat him as I have wanted to be treated, with honesty and genuine interest. I guess I will see how it goes.

God, take care of him, his wife and his family. Give them comfort in the midst of tragedy.

As I started to write this, I thought "Oh yeah, it's Tuesday..."

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Tuesdays | Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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Laughter

As I was working from home this morning, I heard my wife Becky and our friend April talking and laughing. What a nice sound - it was very comforting.

I was thinking about why it makes me feel good to hear them laugh. I decided it's their presence. Having them near and being happy, makes me happy.

I heard a good sermon this weekend on presence. The theme was from something Jesus said:

Then the King (Jesus) will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I have memorized this whole passage - but I still need to be reminded of what it means. I took away this idea: Be like God - step into people's darkness and help them gain some peace. Bring them some comfort.

My messy scrawling...

God, I need to go be with people in tough circumstances - in their darkness - and make them feel good. I need to laugh with them.

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Tuesdays | Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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Noah - Mourning

This one is fairly obvious - everyone was killed except Noah and his family.

The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than fifteen cubits. Every living thing that moved on land perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out; people and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds were wiped from the earth. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark.

Genocide.

God exterminated the vast majority of the human race at the time.

I can't even imagine how Noah and his family felt. Everything and everyone gone. Parents, siblings, friends, everybody died that day.

I wonder how God felt? It's even harder to fathom.

Why did God create a race that for the most part he was going to kill off? Only the DNA of a few people made it through to make us who we are today.

I don't know the answers to any of this. I do know that this story fits the pattern of the beatitudes really well. I did a post a while ago that has some of my thinking on it.

God, help me to understand you, and learn from what I read in your word. I don't really get this story, but I trust you are a good God.

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Tuesdays | Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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Miracles - Mourning

The second miracle John wrote about is Jesus healing a man's son, which corresponds to the second beatitude recorded by Matthew:

Once more Jesus visited Cana in Galilee, where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death.

“Unless you people see signs and wonders,” Jesus told him, “you will never believe.”

The royal official said, “Sir, come down before my child dies.”

“Go,” Jesus replied, “your son will live.”

The man took Jesus at his word and departed. While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living. When he inquired as to the time when his son got better, they said to him, “Yesterday, at one in the afternoon, the fever left him.”

Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus had said to him, “Your son will live.” So he and his whole household believed.

This was the second sign Jesus performed after coming from Judea to Galilee.

The official was facing the death of his son, so of course he was mourning. He was begging Jesus to save his son's life.

The initial response Jesus gave to him is kind of hard for me to make sense of. I think he is stating a fact, more than trying tell the man he had done something wrong. He may be saying "belief in God is more important than life and death" - but I need to think about it more.

Regardless of what Jesus's real message was, he healed the man's son. In the end, the man and his family came to belief as well. I like to think they were comforted on two levels: the immediate and the eternal.

God, I know what it means to mourn. I also know what it means to receive comfort from you directly and from the people around me. Even in the midst of all the chaos, thank you for caring for me and my family - not only for now, but also eternity.

God, be with my wife Becky and the kids. Forgive their sins, be near to them, and give them comfort.

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Tuesdays | Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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Jonah - Mourning

Once the ship set sail with Jonah on it, God caused a huge storm: Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.

Things kept getting worse. Jonah knew God was after him, and his answer was to commit suicide...

The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So the crew asked Jonah, “What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?”

“Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”

Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried out to the Lord, “Please, Lord, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, Lord, have done as you pleased.” Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. At this the men greatly feared the Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the Lord and made vows to him.

Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Jonah had gone insane.

He would rather die than do what God had asked him to do. His grudge against those people must have ran so deep that he could not fathom reaching out to them. Hate had top priority.

An interesting point in the story is that the people around Jonah were in terror and mourning due to his disobedience. This didn't only affect him. He brought pain on the people who were with him.

In a "spiritual" way, Jonah had died. Jesus used Jonah as an example when talking about his own upcoming death: For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.

God, I can't even begin to understand how my own grudges and lack of forgiveness have done damage. It's so hard to ask you this, but show me the effects of my failed relationships. I'm willing to face the regret - and I need your comfort as I do it.

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Tuesdays | Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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Christmas - God's Kingdom is Here

Simply put: Jesus came to earth to bring God's kingdom here. He came so I could join his family - to stop the separation.

I think John wrote the most straightforward statements on it. Referring to Jesus:

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 

He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

He goes on state what I and my family celebrate on Christmas day:

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

For Tuesday - the second statement of the Lord's Prayer: Your kingdom come - is very fitting.

Jesus - Disaster

This week I'm thinking about some aspects of Jesus' life...

Tuesday: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 

Matthew wrote: After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him.

For King Herod, a disaster had come, and he was going to stop it. He asked the Maji (wise men) to lead him to Jesus, but God told them not to and to leave secretly.

Then Mathew wrote: When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled: “A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.”

Disaster (dis = bad; aster = star). In the ancient world, unexpected changes in stars meant great change was coming. Those in charge often got replaced and maybe worse. Herod was bent on stopping that change by killing Jesus. When he couldn't get directly to Jesus, he decided to kill any kid that might be Jesus.

This mass death of children was predicted by Jeremiah 600 years earlier.

So was this God’s plan? If He wasn't willing to tolerate it, he had a long time to head it off.

Did He want the murder to happen? I don’t believe so. He says not to kill each other.

So God has no power to stop this madness? There are cases in the Bible where He did stop mass killing. There are also other cases where He commanded it to happen. There are cases where he had people do the killing, then killed them for doing it.

So what do I do with all of this? I’m really trying to understand God, but sometimes I come up empty.

    He loves us

    He uses the good that happens

    He uses the evil that happens

    He sees it all coming

    He will do anything to connect with us

    He is often beyond understanding

    He is God, I am not

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God, I don't understand why so much death and chaos is wrapped into your plan for us, including you being on the cross. Help me to always do good and comfort those who need it in the midst of all this.

Bless my family and forgive their sins. I hope they connect with you.

Train Wreck

C.S. Lewis: “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” ― A Grief Observed

I have been under a false assumption my whole adult life: God is here to protect me from trouble. To be perfectly honest, I thought train-wrecks were for other people, not for me. Somewhere inside of me, I genuinely thought I was special, and God would skip that stuff in my life. I know – it sounds pretty bad to come out and say it.

Jesus told his followers that trouble was coming, and that he was going to die. He concluded by saying: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Paul said: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I know people who gave up on God when trouble came. I also know people who dug in and got closer. Now that I’m here, I can see it’s purely a decision I need to make myself. God is leaving it up to me. That’s why it’s called “testing”. I hope I accept His comfort, and I can be fit to help others.

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God, I apologize for thinking I was somehow better than the rest of the world. I’m not.

Tuesday - Mustard Seed

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.”

Tuesdays: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

This is the hard part of the process - being planted. The little seed is put into the ground. It becomes separated and alone. It has to "die".

No death, then no life.

Jesus said: Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

King David said: Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.


God looks as me in this state and says, "You're blessed. You're lucky. You're experiencing loss and pain, but comfort will come." 

I think God looked at the earth on the second day of creation and said "I have pulled you apart, but it will be good in time."

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God, I'm mourning huge loss - part of me has died. I don't want to be destroyed by this. I don't want my family, my world to be destroyed - and it feels like that could happen. I feel like I have fallen to the ground and I'm buried.

God you have sent so many people to me, to us, to give comfort. I know you want us to have faith in you and our future. I believe you will take a bad situation and turn it for good. Please see us through.

God, forgive the sins of my family - me, my wife and my kids. Be near us.

Am I Obedient?

Book of Genesis: through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.

Book of Exodus: Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession.

Book of Joshua: Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.

Book of 1 Kings: And may your hearts be fully committed to the Lord our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands.

Book of Job: If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.

Book of Psalms: I will always obey your law, for ever and ever.

Book of Luke:  As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”

Book of John: Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them."

Book of Romans: For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God’s sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous.

Book of 1 John: Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them.

All of this in light of God's grace:

Book of Ephesians: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.

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It's a hard question to ask myself: Am I obedient to God? I'm not talking about just some of the things I do or don't do. Am I living the life He designed for me? I really can't answer this question with any certainty right now. I do intend to find out... 

God, please forgive me for all I've done wrong. Forgive my wife and kids for all they have done wrong. Take away the resulting burdens we carry. Come close to us, even if we are far off.